investigation

So in those early days of youthful confusion to which I sometimes make reference (one might say often), there was a time, actually, quite a lot of time, when I had literally no prospect of employment, and simply had to cast about in my mind for some way to sustain myself. Fortunately I was already imbued with the sense that casting about in my mind that way could sustain me. My assessment was, if I was pursuing a dream, I would be OK, never mind practical ideas. I don't mean that practicality is dispensable. I'm using the word dream to signify a desire to accomplish practical things. Pursuing a dream could be defined, too, and pursuit is an active thing. But what dream to pursue? I resolved to "do" art every day, with a strong sense that it was good, and would in fact - just the doing of it - sustain me. I did not, however, actually feel, very strongly - I somewhat doubted it - that I would be a commercial success as an artist, other than, perhaps, in some distant future.

I had lived for years - my whole life, even - among communists. Of course, we were prosperous idealists, coming from business families (and thus, why the dreamy idealism - I assert that business people are dreamy idealists), but money had been fixed, among us, with a negative name. Well, the purpose of a child is to be different from the parent, and even the parent's opposite, and I early on took a mischievous delight in liking money, and like things. Somewhere along the line, and I can't really say, precisely, how this happened, I became distinctly interested in the stock market. I concluded, with some satisfaction, that it is money. I felt I had found a little known thing. Oh, I was under no illusion. Everybody knows that, but I felt I understood it, and loved it, and that combination was not unique - it was even familiar - but was unusual, putting me in a kind of special group ... about which stories float ... Another thing: I was instinctively attracted to the charts. I knew nothing about them, but had a strong sense they were the thing to look at ... for me, if not for anyone.

So, what am I going to do? I'll do art, and cooking, and I'll argue my case, rather than just insisting on it, in fact, I will use my mind, in fact, I'll also always study, I'll trust in a good outcome, to some extent - it was hard for a long time; there were long periods of, really, despair; it is even still hard; but, I was aware of the possibility - , and I'll do stocks. After that, I was itching to do stocks.

Here I am, years and years later, and I probably still haven't actually made money. I'm probably still - almost certainly, certainly even - running a long term deficit. I made a whole series of mistakes, including somewhat big ones, early on - and then a string of smaller ones. One thing I did not do was give up - first, because of passion, but, then, too, because that option just wasn't available to me. Plus, I was convinced success was possible, convinced that the only obstacle to success was my own inability to master the discipline. There was, in fact, almost one particular dark day when giving up was really the only thing that made sense - a few days like that - but, on those occasions, inertia carried me through, and then things did start to clarify a little, or so it seemed. There was at least a glimmer of hope ... These last few years I've produced some not uninteresting results. Two buys went up five times in a year, and then one went up ten times in a month ... there were even other good results ... even my losers weren't looking hopeless.

But, I mean, what is this all about? Do I just want the money, like that weaver? I mean, I'll tell you, that has a measure of appeal! But, listen, there are other things on my mind. Blah, blah, blah. I've already gone on long enough. But I want to be the father of a company!

Funny, this idea of fatherhood which has been filtering into my awareness the last couple of days.

How do you build a company?

Well, you do have your ideas. That's a kind of given. It's scoffed at. "Everybody has ideas." Thank goodness, I'd say ... but, I won't harp on it. I mean, the scoffers know, of what they speak, that's also true. Ideas alone might not cut it. (Don't give up. Keep pushing your ideas. At a certain point what they say is impossible might happen ... angels will suddenly surround you, in ways the rationalists have preemptively discounted. A bar stool might be a good place for such development. But, I'm OK with also being what you might call realistic. I mean, do push beyond just dreaming into, say, writing. But, where is this going. I don't want to admit that there is any such thing as absolute truth. But I always end up here, a kind of opening at the foot of the cliff, there in my mind: business is teamwork, is the inscription above it. Let's investigate.)